Help Me... We're Lost... By Request...

I was told to blog this morning after a collection of events led to a pointless argument today....
Well maybe it wasn't completely pointless, because for me I felt it was necessary because I just got fucking tired...
Let me say it quite simply, I've cheated and lied to women...
One woman in particular...
And it doesn't matter if it was simply emotional infidelity or physical, I've done my dirt...
I'm not going to speak on what has or hasn't been done that led me to do what I've done, but as I've said, the things I've done to hurt women... and one woman in particular isn't something I'm very proud of...
It's just a part of the things that lead me to be exactly who I am at this moment in this place at this time.
She gets a lot of what she considered to be useless e-mails, text messages, and written correspondence from me...
It's because I'm bad at having a face to face confrontation with her because I don't like to, I don't feel like I'm getting my point across, she constantly accuses me based on old shit (be it recent old shit or really old ass old shit) and I feel like that for as much as her opinions and hurt feelings deserved to be put into consideration that the same isn't done for me...
And I've been hurt too...
So today to her I was petty...
To me, I just had gotten to the point where I had enough...
Because I show up everyday, I put in work, I try, I spend money I don't have, travel places I don't have to go for my own personal gain, do things that I don't particularly want to do... FOR HER...
Because I love her and always want her to do well and be well...
I want to see her succeed, with or without me...
But when someone is constantly nagging you...
Questioning your motives...
Where you are...
What you're doing...
And so on...
Even if the initial reasoning for them being that way is legitimate, after a while you just want them to decide if they're not going to forgive you enough not to bash you over the head with it every time they get angry, use it to justify talking to you rudely, etc then they should just let you go...


You should never be with someone just because you like what you like...
You better damn well know...
And you better damn well tell them from time to time to give them hope for the future...
And a complete change in personality and behavior contrary to the historical takes time...
Your man better damn well want you...
If not someone else will...
And if you're not meeting your man's needs...
If you're refusing any sense of emotional compromise because you feel like it's deserved based on poor decisions he's made and your aspirations to be a better you as an individual then maybe you need to leave him alone until you're ready to be there...
No one has the right to be part time in a relationship with full time rules...
And that's what I feel like today...
I'm supposed to not talk to anyone else...
No look at anyone else...
Not have a questionable joke on my social mediums...
And so on....
But I don't feel any kind of anything that resembles love or appreciate for me and what I do...
AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX!!!
I think any man worth his weight wants to pleasure and be pleasured by a woman...
But if you can't stop and acknowledge when your significant other does something FOR YOU...
If you can't sometimes bow out (not down) to avoid a conflict and look at somethings and say, "it's not that deep. He doesn't mean me any harm. Let me not blow this dumb shit out of proportion"...
If you're determined to be disagreeable right down to a simple mistake like some keys being left on the table...
Why would your man want to be around you?
Even if he has done wrong...
Because if you're gonna let him continue to be there, you have to make the decision to be there yourself...
And if you can't... then don't...
But if you can't see it...
If it's not yet clear...
I'm asking for your help...



PS- You asked me to blog cynically because you thought I was gonna present some cultivated thought process where I'd make the world believe I'm innocent... well I'm not.... I'm not without fault... I'm flawed... I've lied (REPEATEDLY), I've been emotionally absent, told inappropriate jokes when I was with you and the list can go on. But I'm trying... you're not making this easy... and I'm not the only one with an issue here...
I'm not going to prod you, harass you, antagonize you... I left you today not just because I'm childish... I know myself... and if you call me taking you back where I found you childish then so be it, but I'm not going to lose my cool and harm you, do something irresponsible myself, etc and not be able to take it back. I'm not all talk... I've been involved in actions I'm not proud of and just because you're angry, I'm angry, you've never seen me do it, you've listened to some fool who led you to believe I won't, and you're not old enough to have lived when I did it doesn't mean that doesn't exist in me... So I did what was best. Childish is a constant behavior, you'll have it in you until your 40... doesn't make you any less of an adult... same applies to me. We can only hope to be better today than we were yesterday... And I'm trying... today my patience just wore thin...


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