Domestic Violence... How Do We Get Here... Blood On The Walls... And Where Do We Go Once The Blood Dries....



First of all, I want to make the point that I grew up in a house with a father, with three sisters and with a mother... so the psychological excuse of, "my daddy wasn't there to teach me how to be a man" or "I didn't know any better isn't an excuse for me." I think this is important because rather than providing the general assessment of you should never hit a woman (which should go without saying) isn't really the answer. The real answer is about managing frustration, understanding your anger, and all parties being mature enough to disagree, but doing so in a respectful way in addition to any emotional or psychological assistance one may need if they grew up in an environment that lends to this sort of behavior being okay. But how did I get here? Let me tell you the story...

I've touched this paper maybe a hundred times in the last
8yrs... still brings back those feelings of love...
To understand what happened on the day in 2005, when everything went south you have to understand what the relationship was like in the beginning...

She (because I want to respect her right to privacy, but still be able to tell the story) was an amazing person. She was beautiful, she was passionate, she was ready to take on the world. And we did that... together. We moved at a very young age in an effort to declare our undying and unwavering love for one another... and to spite her mother. But the move, my growth as a person, my pursuits of stardom in New Blood Entertainment led to me becoming a man she despised... and rightfully so. She took a lot of inappropriate behavior from me, moved out on her own and we still dealt with one another on a semi-daily basis... it was very much so the proverbial, "we not together, but we still together" sort of behavior. Time went on and she found someone else... and rightfully so. She deserved to be happy with someone else, but like I was with my situation she wasn't being completely honest with me. It wasn't until recently that I found out that she knew when I took my trip to Fayetteville, NC that I was going for work, but had every intention on having sex with another woman (I had been planning it for months) and of all of the women and of all of the indiscretions, that would be the one that would sound the bell in her mind to end the relationship. And so I went to Fayetteville and emotionally, she had left me...

She was gone when I came back with a note on the table... I drank a lot that night and the nights that followed... I wondered the streets of Tallahassee trying to find her... not literally, but emotionally I was lost without her, but it was my own doing that led to the feelings I had, but I was too weak to hold myself accountable... so it was just easier to blame her... Eventually we'd talk again, but it just wasn't the same. So I moved into a new complex, but decided it was best to go home for a semester. In coming to that conclusion she and I agreed that she would take my place in my apartment for the semester and when I came back, we'd discuss getting back together. Something that would never come to pass after a discovery I'm sure in hindsight, we'd both prefer had never gone down that way....

I was moving her stuff into the house when I found out that she had been with someone else... and I wish I could say more, but all I can say is I found out in a way that you never want to find something like that out. She was sitting on top of the dresser and I was sitting at the desk when I uncovered the information... and I don't know why... I can't explain, nor do I want to try and justify it, but I jumped from the chair and placed my hands around her throat... shocked and confused she attempted to fight back and was able to hit me hard enough to get me to stumble. When she realized what I had found out, she headed for the door... but she didn't make it. I hit her several times in a complete fit of rage and as blood was splattered on the walls (mostly hers from what I believe was a busted nose or lip) she finally got the strength up to grab a Mango perfume bottle and crack me over the head with it. I think she was hoping that would do me in, but it didn't... it only enraged me further and grabbed her by her face and pushed her head into the drywall. Disoriented and emotionally wounded she collapsed and I went into the walk in closet (that was connected to the bathroom) and pulled all her clothes off the hangers. No, I didn't throw them out the door... I took all of her clothes, put them in the tub and turned the hot water on... blending all the colors together and ruining her clothes. She cried and begged me to stop, but I was lost... she's since told me that morning as that was going on that I looked like I had no soul when  I looked at her... I can't remember... Her statement in the police report says I attempted to drown her... again, I can't tell you if that's true or not. All I know is that when it was all over and she was gone from the house and I was alone, there was holes in the walls and blood smeared on the floor and on the walls leading from the bedroom to the front door.


I gave her a concussion and fractured her wrist... but it isn't about that... and regardless of what she did that many people have tried to tell me was completely justifiable for me to be that enraged, I have to hold myself accountable. You see, it's not about what happened that day that may or may not be justified... it's about the abuse she suffered on a day in and day out basis from me, which I wasn't taught in the house I grew up in, that was the real issue. You see, the fight that day doesn't happen if I treated her better, if I respected our relationship, if I wasn't so arrogant as to think I have the right to do my thing and she can't do the same... she's not my property... she's a human being! Knowing my prior record for assault and battery on people in general, she didn't press charges... some might feel that was a bad decision, but what it forced me to do was live... on a daily basis with the decisions I made. I've thought about that day every day since... I'm ashamed of myself and what I did that day because there's simply no excuse. I should've been man enough to leave if I was that hurt and that upset. No person ever deserves to be attacked in that way and I despise myself for what I did that day and I've sworn to manage myself and my anger and to become a better person because of it. 

And so people have asked me for years why I love working with the Hubbard House so much, why I find aiding women of domestic violence is important... why anger management, therapy in the black community, marriage counseling, and relationship evaluation is so important... because I am a culprit of domestic violence and it is my charge and life long responsibility to serve those women, to caution men of their actions and to ensure what I did to my ex never happens to another woman. To have three sisters and the amazing mother that I have makes what I did that day even more of a shame... and my mother has never bashed me, nor have my sisters... there was never a need to. I knew of my own personal morals that regardless of if other may feel that my actions were justified given the circumstances... I know.... I know what I did was wrong. Fellas, I hope this opens your eyes to some things, maybe gives you some perspective and ladies... always evaluate your relationships... never sacrifice what you feel you deserve or what you feel like is "as good as it gets" because thinking like that reinforced bad behaviors and domestic violence can be physical, psychological, or emotional... know yourself, know your mate and everyone lets hold ourselves accountable. I'm grateful to my ex (who has been able to forgive me and move on... and I thank her for that... as she's a really good person) for being so forgiving and allowing me the opportunity to learn from my mistake on this side of the jail bars so that I can hopefully help someone else. Have a good day yall...



3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love this... most men may not speak out about the abuse they've caused, or whether it's regarding this or some other life changing situation that they'd gotten themselves into. But I can honestly say that ever since I've known you, you've always been upfront about the downfalls & I respect you wholeheartedly for that. Hopefully your story will reach women from different walks of life, so that they are aware of the signs of abuse & stop it before it starts.

jess said...

Wow... I love this & ur words really push the barriers to topics most ppl avoid. Great topic, and thanks for using this experience to help make a difference .... Xoxo

J said...

It takes a lot of strength to be this transparent. I believe this is an example that many can learn from. Thanks for sharing.