The Book of L: The Memoirs....


"I want you to know that I'm telling this story with nothing but love in my heart, pride in my soul for what you've accomplished and admiration for what you'll become. You're special... even in your anger you're special. In every word, action and deed (including those missteps on my part), know that for me, love has always been there. And sometimes, professing it publicly can bring forth a healthy resolution... no matter if it brings forth a con conclusion or not."- From Brandon to L-Boogie

You would think there would be more photos
of L and I together, but there aren't. This was
the first and last pic we ever took together.
That was a good day...
It was never a pondered thought to affirm the relationship between the two of us way back when it first started. Looking back on it now, I still don't see what others saw... I mean, L was, is and will always be a very beautiful girl. I mean she has the striking features that I see, just like many of you see them. But I just never saw her that way. She was the pretty home girl to me...

But the public thought something different, but we knew what it was. L was an amazing fri.... fuck that, L was my sister... and I miss her... I miss her like I miss certain things about Amber. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, but most of all... I miss her love. L met me through my ADP Nelson... who told me if I ever needed anything, just call L and she'll take care of it. One day I needed to change my clothes and sure enough, L was right there to get me what I needed. I had never experienced this blind sort of support... coming from where I came from you don't get that kind of support. But L provided me that and in that, I made a promise, "you'll never have to worry about anything as long as you live. I got you." The funny thing about that is I didn't know how much I meant that at the time, but she'd hold me emotionally accountable for those words...

As time went on Lauren and I were inseparable. "Big Brother" is what she called me. Wanted to find Brandon, call L... she'll know where he is... he's probably with her. Want to find L... call Brandon, she's probably asleep on his couch if it's a Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So may drunken cookouts... so many sleep overs... any woman who ever talked to me had to get to know L first... a benefit in some instances and an inevitable pitfall in others. I never wanted, nor did I anticipate that there would ever come a time where the dynamics of our relationship with one another would change. But I suppose where I came up short was in two aspects:

1. I just assumed no matter what happened, be it right or wrong that Lauren would side with me. I was the big brother for goodness sake... who could be more amazing in here eyes than me? Who did she love more than Brandon Kolby Jacobs? Nobody... right?

2. There was no separation in relationships. She was a part of all of my relationships with everyone... which ultimately in my opinion is what led to us being where we are with each other today... silent

When a mirror gets broken, you can fix that... when a relationship is broken, sometimes you can fix it and sometimes.... you never get it back... Now I dealt with quite a few of the folks that Lauren was friends with, but I find one in particular when I view things in retrospect to be the one that was probably the worst decision I made. That is not a reflection on the young lady, but the timing and reasoning made that entire situation just wrong on so many different levels. And I had lost Amber (the first time) and was starting to unravel. I looked for support from Lauren that I didn't receive and I resented her for that... perhaps she thought I was being dramatic (she wouldn't have been the only one), perhaps she thought I was making it all up, that the suicide attempt was a plea for the attention I simply wasn't getting as Brandon Kolby Jacobs and it was all in a self indulging attempt to be seen. For the first time ever, maybe L didn't like who I was. What I can tell you L is that I am many things... including a liar... but I don't gain anything in ruining my life... and I don't enjoy having to take these to keep my memory, sleep, stop from seizing on a floor and just be remotely normal...


L and I would go dark for most of 2010 and wouldn't sit down for a conversation until the middle of 2011. We hashed out the things that had divided us up to that point, but had to agree to disagree on certain subjects. Regardless of that fact, we were able to move past it all and move forward. That wouldn't last long...


And now it's been a little over two years since I last saw Lauren... so rather than expressing myself in writing I think she needs to hear me say this...


Lauren, I can't change what's happened and I can't even change how you feel inside or what you believe... only you can do that. But you my girl... and no amount of time, no ill words, no tweets, no silent treatment, nothing will change that. We're family... I'm always your brother.. here for you always... yours in life and death.

 



4 comments:

jess said...

Aww Lauren is really a beautiful person inside and out... I only met her a.few times but it's.always.been love. Hope yall get to speak soon

Shawndra said...

I hope yall meet up and things go back normal slowly. From the writing i see she was cool pplz n tht is the kind of person u need in ur life

Anonymous said...

Lauren is the nicest person I ever met in your circle. She always welcomed us all. I pray she reads this and wants to reach back out to you. Even if not immediately but very soon. We all have that sibling that we may just need to take a break from at a point in oour lives. but we always find our way back.

Brandon Jacobs said...

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the kind words for the post. I hope she sees it too...